elessa: (wyveri)
Fuck life





Interesting word
elessa: (fluffy bunny)
I glance out the window at 5:35p in the Northern Hemisphere. It is pitch black outside. Does anyone else want to slit their wrists right about now or is it just me? Gah! I hate when it is dark early. Hate it with a passion.

My brain shuts down within an hour or so after the sunsets. I will be going to bed the next few months between 6:30p-7:00p. I have a very difficult time staying awake.

My body clock rhythm is wake with light, sleep when darkness falls. It already hates getting up at 5:00a in the dark. Now it will be dark/dark.
elessa: (wyveri)
Hello depression my old nemesis. Not happy to be feeling your presence. Sleep of the dead to shut you out doesn't work. Nope. Slept eighteen hours yesterday/today. Really not good.


I need a spark in my life. How to create it remains elusive.

Still unable to schedule mammogram with clinic that has my baseline. Going to contact another without saying a single word about pain or discomfort. Total bullshit.


Apr. 26th, 2015 07:49 pm
elessa: (fluffy bunny)
Feeling a bit defeated. Rent increases as of May 1 to an amount equivalent to one paycheck. Decided to look into purchasing property rather than continuing to rent. I have come to the realisation that is not going to occur during the next couple years at least.

While I qualify for a mortgage, I actually do not have the physical cash to make a purchase of any kind happen.

Right now the market where I live is hot. There simply is not enough inventory for everyone who seeks to buy. People are either paying cash outright for houses or condos; or there are bidding wars with sellers getting offers anywhere from 5-25% over the asking amount. This is insane.

Yesterday while looking at three different properties there was a very steady stream of other interested buyers. One house I looked at had fourteen offers in a single day. The offer taken was for 18% higher than what the house listed for. Another I was interested in was listed, then in pending sale within three hours of listing.

Sellers are not accepting offers which are for government funded loans, eg FHA loans with NHF grants or VA loans. Conventional loans with higher down payment requirements are the ones being considered. In addition to the down payment of a minimum 5% an additional 3-4% is necessary for closing costs.

I simply cannot compete with what I have in savings. After talking to four mortgage brokers I now understand the interest in whether or not I can borrow against my 401(k). I simply refuse to borrow for a down payment. It makes no sense to me to lessen the retirement investment that I had to begin from scratch three years ago after two years of unemployment and two years of underemployment saw my previous 401(k) and savings get spent in order to survive.

I have also decided some things about what I want out of a place to live. If a house, I do not want a large yard. However, I want a park-like setting. As in, I do not want the neighbor's house to be so close I can stand twixt the two and touch both. I want someplace with a lot of natural light. Quite a few of the homes I have toured are quite dark inside.

I do not want a house or condo which has water, termite, or wood rot damage. I do not want a house or condo which needs an additional $35K of renovation to make it livable right off the bat.

Painting, new carpet or other cosmetic fixes are perfectly fine. I expect that. It is part of making a new home a personalised sanctuary.

So, plan is to renew the lease for another year. Continue to pay down credit card debt. Put into savings what I can each month as I have been. Lessening the credit card debt; paying it off in the next twenty four months; and becoming debt free will allow me to then begin to save even more money per month for a mortgage.

Past history cycles indicate that there will be a downturn in the economy beginning the end of 2016. Perhaps then I will be in a better position to look again for a place to buy.
elessa: (wyveri)
Been a lonely day. It was gloriously beautiful outside. However, I could not motivate myself to do anything away from the apartment. I truly wish I had a relationship with someone. It would help with having someone to share activities with. Someone to entice me to leave my abode to live. ~sigh
elessa: (rainy day)
blergh... Decision made today to renew my lease for another year. Rent increased by $60/month. Ouch! Gonna need to cut back on living to be able to afford it. Unfortunately I have not been able to motivate to find another place to live. The task of packing, moving, etc. is too much to contemplate. So, here I am for another year. I dislike the miasma in the brain.

Must take advantage of the time to continue to pare down my belongings so that I can move into smaller, less expensive quarters next Spring. There is a pile begun of items to sell at a garage sale. I wish I had a vehicle to transport a table and other large pieces that I would like to sell. As it is, I will have to content myself with what can fit into my car.

Listening to yet rainfall from yet another laden cloud. Been a day of rain and sun. The rainbows as a result are worthwhile.


July 2017



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