Among the Green Leaves

AAsaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Another of my absolute favorite customers has died. She, like Marcy, battled a slew of health problems and always faced them with a huge smile and bright sparkly attitude, and was so kind and thoughtful and always asked me questions about myself and my life and my husband and my cat and was just the most delightful beautiful soul. Always doing everything she could to be as happy and healthy as possible despite all of her troubles, found beauty and delight everywhere she looked, and LOVED having TONS of sparkles in her hair.

I just sparkled her a month ago and she was soooooo happy after a trip to New York to see her extended family. Her very kind and sweet sister always drove her to her appts.

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

This fucking sucks.

Why is it always the best people????????????????????????????????????

Feeling a bit anxious. Need to get ready for werk, but wanted to try to hash out what I want to do after.

Need to hit the thrift store again for a piece to help with the dragon costume idea. Even if it never happens. It's the base of the headpiece, that I am imagining connects all the way down the back and blends into the (segmented?) tail. I think a big bouncy swaying tail would be super fun.

I think cute soft little spikies, feathery, maybe, might also be fun. I have some stuff floating around that should help with that.

I might try again to meet up with my brother. I think I'll wrap his gift and fill out his card during my lunch break? See if he wants to meet up at Starbucks later or I can just swing by and drop off I guess.

I think I will try to reschedule with Margaret for later. Just too much I want to do to prep for the festival next weekend.

Was going to try to see Karissa today, we'll see if that works out, it'd be so nice to see her.

But, can't draw things out too long if I want to go to Coffin tonight, they're doing a special event and Derek will be there and I miss him. But, still not entirely out of the woods with the days-long migraine so, will feel it out, tonight. I could just make a brief appearance maybe, we'll see.

Why do I want a paint by numbers kit so bad? Am I crazy? It seems like a fun and relaxing project but is it just a waste of time? The only Halloween art ones I want are definitely ai generated, feh. But they have these cute little "cozy ghost" mini canvases that I could just see in the house and they would make me smile. I dunno. On the fence. Definitely taking on enough project time with these dragon costume and new fairy wing ideas.

I woke up with Avalanche smooshed up next to my head this morning. That rarely happens. It's getting colder, but, I think she was sensing my anxiety with Josh being gone, too.

Avi is frisky this morning, I always take this as a good sign, when she has zoomies and such - all is well.

Just wanted to comment that watching cannels like Midwest Magic Cleaning and Cleaning with Barbie on youtube genuinely helps me clean at home. I put them on in the background while doing chores sometimes. Other times I put them on just to watch and suddenly find myself doing chores in the middle of them. And other times I just sit and absorb the video, but I take what I learn and apply it over the next few days and suddenly I'm making runs to the goodwill (or trash, or both) and stacking empty storage bins in the garage LIKE A BOSS.

My parents had very difficult lives and I grew up in a borderline hoarded home, mom cleaned constantly like a champ, she worked so hard, but it's just impossible to keep up with four dogs, eight cats, three guinea pigs, and 10-15 daycare children at any given hour.

I have always had fairly decent cleaning habits (I could use help with floors still but I don't let anything else stay visibly dirty) but the clutter, oh the clutter. our house was always bursting with it and while mine is not as bad, it is always threatening to become overwhelming and it is never really clean or tidy in areas like say, my closet. Or desk. Or garage. I am trying, I am working so hard at getting better at this. It is improving. The cleaning channels really help.

I am also currently addicted to asmr august, who often soothes me to sleep pretending to study my face and arms and stuff. or I watch her slowly style someone's hair and it just feels nice and I fall asleep.

I have watched asmr for well over ten years now, I was an early adopter over at massageasmr, and then watched luneinnate for a long time. jillian is a bit of a woowoo pothead though and august is more neutral. I spent some time over at jellybean green for a bit back in the day and I am sad that she left and grateful for her otoscopes and the spectacular sci-fi medical exam videos, "what ARE you???" :) she had a really fun role play one where you like, woke up inside of a cult, too, that was a super fun silly one.

got all the dishes done after resolving to just curl up in bed, thanks to barbie. Brought her into the kitchen with me like a lil body double/housework buddy. She is SUCH a sweet and kind person. Walking into dirty hoarded homes often comes with very sad stories, and these cleaners have to walk through these people's lives and it's a lot for them to take on and they do it with such strength and compassion.

(I died on the vine last night and never finished this entry, so, posting it this morning. I've just been so tired.)

Josh and I had one of those perfect storm everything-going-wrong visits at Timberline, which I won't go into the details of but involved a lot of tears and the manager refunding our stay, but it all ended up okay-ish in the end and Josh and I rallied and went to Broder to celebrate again with brunch this morning - this was originally going to be a joint celebration with his parents since their anniversary is almost the same day as ours, but his mom wasn't feeling well, so it was just us.

It was pouring down rain but we made the best of it, visiting a very soggy Ole Bolle troll(e) and I brought the flowers I was going to give to his mom just to brighten the table while we were there. We had a really nice meal and enjoyed it immensely and felt reconnected and better.

( We swung by Josh's parents' place on the way home and dropped off the flowers and a card )

Things have been a little hard in some ways, with my physical withdrawal. I am learning more about menopause and it's really devastating. The aspects of tissue changes that cause UTIs and cystitis and such are really upsetting and scary, and that's just scratching the surface. The health risks involving bones and heart and brain and really every aspect of the body are really scary. My hair is all falling out which is really scary. I mean being hairless sucks but also just, feeling unwell to the point that my body can't hold onto hair is scary. ( HRT issues )

...

Josh thanked me, for the first time ever, for agreeing to live in this part of town with him. It was a difficult 24 hours processing that interaction because I could not just say, "You're welcome," and he noticed. BUT, I think we're in a better place with it, now. And I'm really grateful that he's acknowledged the difficulty for me and the effort I'm putting in to trying to make the best of it, and focusing on the good things about living in this house. As much as I didn't want to buy a house.

...

I'm nauseated and sleepy at the moment for no good reason, other than I'm maybe a little daunted by my to-do list. ( phone anxiety and how it interferes with my work )

...

( A friend is having a housewarming party today and I am weirdly dreading it )

Or I could just curl up in bed with my kitten and not.

(Maybe both.)

((Editing to add: leaning toward skipping and blaming my skin falling off in chunks after seeing the dermatologist last week - currently sitting with henna on my head and feeling not at all ready to be in public like, ever again))

Things I may or may not do today include....

* henna hair
* laundry
* a desperately tardy shower
* shopping for a hedge trimmer (it already feels too late to go to lowe's - have to try again next week)
* bake pumpkin pie (I did manage to roast my pumpkins from the farm last night)
* bundle up sparkle order
* send check for supplies
* send shipping notifications/receipts
* purchasing new clothing and costume items for work (all of mine are ratty and stained and have holes and are worn out)
* reach out to the phone-call customers?
* schedule west-side sparkles for two weeks from now? (might need to delay this, and other items above, until my brain is working better)

* pay derm bill
* double check derm appt time and make sure it doesn't conflict with PCP appt

* download and set up mynetdiary for weight/healthy food management before halloween

* start with the Halloween decorations? (There are already 12' skeletons up in our neighborhood, YAY)

Things I would like to do now but might wait until Josh leaves for his trip later this week:
* dust
* sweep
* vacuum
* scrub out shower and sink
* wash bathroom surfaces
* donate more stuff
* hang some art

* research some landscaping/gardening tips for getting started?
Right now I just need to tidy up and figure out what to feed the mums and echinacea that I need to plant.

I would like to add douglas aster and california poppies and want to research food/care for them as well. I think dahlia bulbs might do well but not sure if I want to tackle that yet or not. I want to cut down the toxic redbush and plant that area with roses and/or flowering red current and/or mock orange but that's a longer term project for a serafaery with more experience. finding a raised bed would be nice, even if I just do a couple flowers and some kale. Catnip somewhere in the front would be lovely. I want to get a blueberry for Josh but need to research how best to do that with poor soil and low light (might not be possible). Rosemary would also be really nice but might need to be in a raised bed since I don't trust the soil to be healthy here and I want to actually use/consume the rosemary in a culinary sense. I could also do sage this way. Or both ways, sage might tolerate this chemical-tainted clay.

Our neighbor was spraying round-up on his driveway the other day, which drains straight into the water catching drains for the stream just below us, it's sooooooo sad. (All of our neighbors regularly spray round-up all over their yards, it's all around us.) Josh complained, "he's making us look bad!" (because he's getting rid of weeds) and I was just like, no, no. He's not. (I didn't get into it with Josh, it's just too depressing. I know he agrees with me about toxins, but I don't think he understands that the drains in the street go directly to the stream, which ends up feeding the underground water sources that the city is switching us to this winter. So we will be drinking that shit. After it kills all the fish who didn't already die from trash and microplastics and tire tread erosion and all the other toxic stuff that flows in from the streets and humans using pfas chemicals for everything. I dig up our weeds by hand, it's just, I never get thanked for it and I don't really mind weeds in the cracks of the driveway that much, so I don't stay super on top of it. I just get the biggest ones lately, if that.)

...

It poured down rain all day but there is finally a break in it, now. I might try to ride my bike at sunset if it stays dry, we'll see. I'm very tired so not sure about that. The little walk on the PCT by the lodge yesterday was nice. I walked to Little Zigzag Canyon and back. Saw some grey jays that asked for treats but I did not feed them, there were too many people around. They flew right up to me though, I definitely considered it. Also caught sight of one pair of mountain blue birds, which made me very happy. It's the coloring I modeled my finch self-care birb after, because I fell in love with them at the lodge last summer after watching several of them flitting about in the sun.

Avalanche right now. (I spent about ten minutes taking video of her twitching and mewing and eckeckecking in her sleep.)

Dog was nice yesterday. Windy! A little scary with zappy fluffy clouds and small sun breaks and everything was so so dry and crispy. I was worried there might be lightning and then no safe way off the mountain with the wind and everything being so flammable.

I can't imagine that mountain escaping fire in the next ten years.

I was sort of joking to myself that if I died in a fire up there, at least nobody would have to worry about where to scatter my ashes lol.

My heart also gave one little twinge of pain on the first serious climb of the day, which instantly made me think of Adonay (who died suddenly while hiking less than a month ago in the same area, he was 53 so only two years older than me and super fit, a mountaineer and rock climber and constant hiker - so an unexplained heart attack on a not-very-hard hike and losing a friend was a shock that I have still not entirely processed). My heart did not bother me again the rest of the hike, but I was a little scared for the rest of it.

I hear anxiety is a symptom of perimenopause. Fun!

I also remember that my mom kept thinking everything that was wrong with her must be cancer when she was this age, so, I am trying to calm down about that. It's just a function of my age and the emotional process of going through menopause.

I found this video this morning, when I woke up in tears at 5am. I cried for an hour and a half, looking for something related to menopause and depression, just looking for some sort of help or relief. And while my conclusion is, there is no relief, at least having a nice lady say that anhedonia is not a rare symptom and "there's nothing wrong with you" was its own comfort.



I am back to morning exercises again, and I am going to let myself off the hook for avoiding things that are too difficult right now. If I don't want to be social, when it used to be nourishing, then I am going to listen to my body and brain and take a step back from that. I will not give up on exercising but if all I can do is a walk, that's okay. I will just do whatever I can do, that day.

Today is my Sunday and I have many options! I've been reading about native Oregon plants that can be sewn in fall, and want to visit somewhere with native plants, today, and maybe talk to someone about it.

But if all I do is make it to the sunflower farm, that's okay, too. I might go do that next, since it will get muddier as it gets rainier throughout the day. They open at 9am so the earlier the better. I might just make a second cup of coffee and head out shortly (it takes an hour to get there).

I also could do...
silks today at the gym
would be nice to henna my hair and give myself a haircut
order some sparkle stock
visit plant store? (not sure which one but maybe there will be some plants or seeds at the sunflower farm)
return avalanche's kibble and get the other kind (it made her ears itchy)
I do need to find a new vet in the area for Avalanche, maybe I can work on that today
bake a quiche for Josh
Josh has requested pizza today so I need to grab some crust for that on the way home

...

The internet says I can plant california poppy right now, I need to track down some seeds for that.

There are also mock orange cultivars which makes me very happy. Also there is a native rose that will tolerate clay.

I was thinking while hiking yesterday that for some reason I had squashed my hopes of a native garden/landscape and now I am doubling down on that desire. I'm not going to do something I don't like just because it's what everyone else around here does. I will plant douglas aster and I will love it, who cares what other people like or don't like.

I also want to see if there is a variety of blueberry that will tolerate this clay soil.

...

This weird thing happened with my online store where some bot purchased a $3 item that I thought I had set to not be able to purchase alone, and it didn't charge shipping either which no item should be able to be purchased without. AND the address is set for south korea which - my website isn't supposed to allow international shipping. I canceled and refunded the item, which (I think this is illegal but will require a class-action lawsuit to change) charges me not only the initial fee for the purchase but ALSO the refund fees. It should refund both of those things, since I'm not getting any money at all for the purchase, but instead it doubles the fees for the privilege of not receiving any payment (and not fulfilling the order).

I changed the settings on the item so this wouldn't happen again, but it happened again this morning somehow anyway.

It's SO WEIRD, I know these bots don't actually want to receive these items, I'm not sure why it's happening or what kind of bizarre ai training this is related to or what. But anyway since the settings are clearly broken on the site (this is typical with the service that I pay for my website, unfortunately - but it takes hours on the phone to rectify which I have no interest in dealing with right now), I just deleted the little $3 item, nobody has purchased it in months anyway. I'll maybe offer these for free instead to people who are already purchasing sparkles.

The weird little annoyances that come with owning a microbusiness, sheesh.

ONE DAY I will buckle down and spend a week moving my shop to a website service that doesn't constantly break its own code. (Shopify?) One day.

...

Today might need to be the day that I get the one starbucks pumpkin spice latte of the year. If I do this, I always get half-sweet with whip. But if I can find pumpkin spice elsewhere I will do that. I just, feel the need to usher in fall this way, and one visit a year to Starbucks is a small sin. I really hope to find a pumpkin or two at the farm, today, I know it's early but with this gloomy rainy day I really would love to bake my first pumpkin pie of the season.

It's the little things that will get me through.

I think, for some women, menopause isn't so hard, but because of my deformed joints causing arthritis and chronic joint pain, losing so many of my sports and activities, my brain fog issues, my mood disorder, and also just all the grief and loss and trauma, it's just so much more difficult. It's really hard feeling like I have no one to look to for support and guidance. My doctors don't seem to care. (I am seeing three new doctors this month, which is great, but who knows if they will actually help.) All of my friends so far are having a much easier time of it. Cynthia is so tired of all of her friends doing poorly, and Josh feels the same way. But 50s just aren't as hard for them. I think so much of this is genetic and out of our control.

My night sweats are back and my sleep is worse so I think I need a higher dose of estrogen. When I was doubling up on my old patches for a week while waiting for the new ones, that created a .075 dose and I felt great on that amount. (I partially did this because I thought I'd damaged a box leaving it in a hot car for a couple days, but they seem to still work fine.) My new patches are .05 and not cutting it. My periods are all over the place which is also not helpful.

Okay I think right now the answer is more coffee and to get dressed for wet weather and head to the farm. Grab pizza crust somewhere. I can figure out the rest of my day after.