elessa: (Default)
Slightly tipsy thanks to a bottle of mead. I am bad at writing down anything these days. Used to be diligent at noting how my day was going, or what I was feeling.

I finally took the steps necessary to get a protection order against the guy who has been stalking me since 2003. While his random emails through the years were annoying, it wasn't until he started sending ones saying that he would be present for my death that I realised something needed to be done.

Finally think things are going peachy when I learn I may have cancer. Oh goody. Waiting for test results that will tell me I need more tests.
elessa: (wyveri)
Due to the recent move of LJ to Russian servers and other factors, I am now on Dreamwidth. This account will go dark shortly.


Here is the article about what is happening to LJ users within Russia.


If you are on Dreamwidth, please let me know your name so I can find you.


Jun. 29th, 2016 07:51 pm
elessa: (wyveri)
Too many things going on in the world that are draining and depressing.

  • The hate killings at the Pulse Night Club in Orlando.

  • The woman gun enthusiast in Texas who was into open carry and the mindset of "you will get my guns when you pry them out of my cold dead hands" who had an argument with her husband. To teach him a lesson she chased down and shot her young adult daughters dead in the street. One of them was wounded when she ran out of bullets so she went back into the house to reload, then returned to pump more into the girl.

  • The three bombers who killed over forty people and wounded hundreds more at the Ataturk Aiport in Istanbul.

  • Brexit. This one depresses me because the premise of Europe being unified in a financial trade union rather than killing one another is a good thing. I hope that if there is recession there that the region doesn't devolve into violence again.

  • The political campaigning leading up the the presidential election bringing out hate, bigotry, xenophobia, and other ugly sides to people.

  • My parents having finally made plans in December 2015 to travel to Ireland at long last booked a trip for June 2016. This is a trip they have talked about for years. Five years ago for their fiftieth wedding anniversary the siblings chipped in to give them $5K in order to make the trip.In the interim my father developed congestive heart failure necessitating in the need to acquire a portable oxygen generator. There was miscommunication with the vendor. Result is that the device wasn't scheduled to be delivered until after the date of the trip departure. Therefore, trip cancelled.

I am finding myself turning off the news more and more lately. My psyche can't take the reality that there are people out there who revel in violence and death.

Two weeks ago I experienced a fall due to pain from a back spasm causing me to blackout. The result of the fall is a dislocated jaw which is healing slowly. The impact of the fall and the blacking out for an hour on the floor gives me pause. Not sure what to do about it currently. I am realising that as I get older I am becoming at risk for injury that could kill me. Reason for this is due to living alone.
elessa: (wyveri)
Fuck life





Interesting word
elessa: (wyveri)
The brain is in a dark place tonight. Haven't been here in awhile.

Not liking it.

Tried to find a house/condo to buy before lease was up and rent increases. Feeling trapped.

I am thinking a couple glasses of wine hasn't helped.
elessa: (wyveri)
In the house/condo hunt I have continued to look. Did so today in fact. Still looking. The one of the three that was most promising and at a really great affordable price is 1300 sq ft town house with a huge loft master bedroom with no door and a small downstairs bedroom. Tiny kitchen. Enclosed small slab patio 4'x8' so no place to plant anything. Detached garage. Upgraded vinyl windows. Baby grand piano.

Very tempting, but it is right beside the freeway. I can't picture having an interchange as the view from the master bedroom. When the windows are closed it is silent. However, crack a window the slightest bit and all you hear is the roar of the vehicles on the freeway. I like sleeping with windows open. The sound would drive me nuts.

With the criteria I have set which extends to fifteen miles outside of Portland the list today came up at 44 properties. A scan through showed a third of them were bankruptcy, foreclosure/bank owned, short sales or auction. None of which are drama I want to be involved in. There were a few that were being "sold as is" with no repairs to be made by seller.

Decision time for me is coming soon as my lease is up for renewal on Saturday. Renew for another year at a $90/mo increase? Go month to month with a $70/mo premium attached to the rent increase?
elessa: (wyveri)
Well, this is scary as all get out. I have $8K to my name. Put an offer today on a house which will take every dime I own in order to obtain the mortgage and pay all the fees. Going to have to get creative with finding things to sell to help come up with some liquidity.

This coming week will tell me if panicking is in order or not.

It is a house being sold by the bank as it was a reverse mortgage. Has some quirky features such as only two bedrooms. A third one was converted into the laundry room. It is awesome! Room to put a table to fold clothes. The living room and dining room is one large room, but separated by two pony walls.

There is a small kitchen with a bar into the dining area. However it does have a pantry.

The master bathroom has one of those funky bathtubs with a door for a disabled person to access it. The master bedroom is nice and large.

There is central air conditioning and a gas fireplace.

A two car garage. Hurray for a doorway wide enough to pull a car through without tearing the side mirrors off.

Small yard front and back. Easily maintainable by a single person without having to spend entire weekends on upkeep.

The drawback is the distance from work. The house is twenty miles away from work as opposed to the thirteen for the apartment I live in.

Gah, I hate living in a hot housing market. I need to make a change though. Rent has gone up $100-110 each year the last four years. I can't keep up with it. Having a fixed monthly expenditure will help.
elessa: (fluffy bunny)
A bit disturbed about something. Yesterday I went to dinner with someone I haven't seen in ten years. Almost exactly ten years to the day at a funeral.

In this case my uncle. He is only a few years older than I am as he came pretty late in my grandparents life. Asked if I would like to get together while he was in town for a conference. I met him at the conference hotel in downtown. Off we went to walk around. Since he had never visited this city before I took him to a few of the areas it is known for within walking distance that have tourist cachet.

What disturbs me is that he crowded my personal space. He would walk so close to me that he was pressing his arm against me. At first I thought it was due to lack of space on the sidewalk. Experimented with moving to the side a number of times. He would immediately close in again. This happened everywhere we walked.

Maybe it is a good thing he lives a couple thousand miles away and I only see him every ten years or so.
elessa: (wyveri)
The year is coming to an end. With it are other things ending which bring me sadness. I realise that life is nothing but change, but man, when it happens there are times I wish it didn't.

I went for brunch for the final time at Mint Tea as they will close their doors after this weekend. It has been a place of laughter, wonderful food, and visiting with friends. I will miss it immensely during my forays into town. I know the owner is moving onto new things after she takes a break to center herself. I also know that I am destined to cross paths with her again. I look forward to seeing where and what she decides to do next for the community.

One of my bestest of friends is moving a couple hundred miles north to pursue his art further. I hope it doesn't mean I will never see him again. I am happy for him though as I know he will have greater exposure to many more clients for his unique talents. His metalwork needs to be seen by people. Fingers are crossed that his ultimate desire to work in Europe happens as a result.

My car continues to make intermittent mysterious noises. Today it began making a new one which leads me to believe there is something wrong in the front suspension. Turning the steering wheel as well as simply getting out of the vehicle is causing a binding creak if that makes any sense. Naturally the repair shop I would go to is closed today and tomorrow the weather service is forecasting storm of doom with warnings not to travel anywhere unless absolutely necessary.

Lottery, can I win now
elessa: (fluffy bunny)
I glance out the window at 5:35p in the Northern Hemisphere. It is pitch black outside. Does anyone else want to slit their wrists right about now or is it just me? Gah! I hate when it is dark early. Hate it with a passion.

My brain shuts down within an hour or so after the sunsets. I will be going to bed the next few months between 6:30p-7:00p. I have a very difficult time staying awake.

My body clock rhythm is wake with light, sleep when darkness falls. It already hates getting up at 5:00a in the dark. Now it will be dark/dark.
elessa: (wyveri)
Hello depression my old nemesis. Not happy to be feeling your presence. Sleep of the dead to shut you out doesn't work. Nope. Slept eighteen hours yesterday/today. Really not good.


I need a spark in my life. How to create it remains elusive.

Still unable to schedule mammogram with clinic that has my baseline. Going to contact another without saying a single word about pain or discomfort. Total bullshit.
elessa: (wyveri)
Fear of the unknown. In this case, the source of significant pain.

As a dutiful sheep I go every two years or so for a mammogram. When I haven't gone I receive postcards reminding me that I ought to. Who would have thought it would be difficult to actually schedule one when concerned about breast pain.

This morning I call to schedule a mammogram. Been there, done that. Except this time when the scheduler asks if there is any pain I answer "yes". Well, that changes everything. I cannot schedule an appointment without a referral from a doctor. Nevermind that the last three I have had I didn't need one. The reason given that that more tests will be conducted in addition to the mammogram.

Ok, fine.

Schedule a doctor appoint at a local care clinic with zoom in/zoom out services. (I love the facility and have been using it for four years). Anyway, doctor palpitates, but finds nothing out of the ordinary. Writes a referral due to my explaining I am in significant, unexplained pain.

Think ice pick being jammed into your body.

As soon as I walk out, I call the breast clinic to schedule a mammogram. Nope. Can't schedule. They need the doctor's order. I explain I have a hard copy of the order. How long will they remain open. Ok, another hour. I drive over.

It has now been seventeen minutes from the time I called to when I arrive. I hand over the copy. Nope. Can't schedule because it has to come directly from the doctor's office.

The receptionist calls the clinic. Theoretically an official copy will be received tomorrow. The scheduler should contact me.

All I know is that I am in serious pain that I want explained. I also know women who died from breast cancer as well as women who have survived it. I just hope that I don't have cancer.
elessa: (fluffy bunny)
Disturbing news in the email tonight from my father. Apparently my brother called as he is wont to do on Sunday evenings. My father found it odd my mother was not on the extension. He went looking for her. She wasn't in her bedroom when he checked, nor in the front or back yards. He returned to double check her bedroom. She had fallen between the bed and the wall while trying to answer the phone and broken her left shoulder.

This is not good at all because six months ago she fell and broke her right humerus at the ball where it joins the right shoulder. It has not healed correctly so she has no use of her right arm.

My father is not exactly spry as he has two replacement knees and pretty bad arthritis. How the hell he will be able to care for her and two dogs that weigh more than either one of them is a mystery.

Tomorrow I best call to learn what the hell is going on.
elessa: (wyveri)
Been having a very similar dream the past few nights. I wish I could suss out the meaning.

In the dream, I am caring for a snake. Possibly a rosy boa or similar type. Definitely one of the thicker types and about three feet long.

The snake has a medical issue which I am trying to tend to. I get out a pair of nail clippers to clip off the skin tag, when they become electrified. (The style of clipper is most certainly not electric in reality. They are the kind that you press down on a lever to close the blades.) The clippers slice into the snake's skin and burrow beneath to begin separating its flesh from the skeleton.

When the dream first started, the clippers only did a little bit of damage. I remember thinking that I could help the snake heal. I woke up.

I fell back to sleep and into the same dream. This time the clippers did significantly more damage to the snake.

Last night the dream had the clippers nearly shear all the flesh from the skeleton. The snake was still alive. Feelings of hopelessness that I could not help the snake heal. It was too badly damaged and would die.

WTF? What is the meaning in the psychology of dreams for this one? Why is it a running dream over two nights which has gotten progressively worse?


Apr. 26th, 2015 07:49 pm
elessa: (fluffy bunny)
Feeling a bit defeated. Rent increases as of May 1 to an amount equivalent to one paycheck. Decided to look into purchasing property rather than continuing to rent. I have come to the realisation that is not going to occur during the next couple years at least.

While I qualify for a mortgage, I actually do not have the physical cash to make a purchase of any kind happen.

Right now the market where I live is hot. There simply is not enough inventory for everyone who seeks to buy. People are either paying cash outright for houses or condos; or there are bidding wars with sellers getting offers anywhere from 5-25% over the asking amount. This is insane.

Yesterday while looking at three different properties there was a very steady stream of other interested buyers. One house I looked at had fourteen offers in a single day. The offer taken was for 18% higher than what the house listed for. Another I was interested in was listed, then in pending sale within three hours of listing.

Sellers are not accepting offers which are for government funded loans, eg FHA loans with NHF grants or VA loans. Conventional loans with higher down payment requirements are the ones being considered. In addition to the down payment of a minimum 5% an additional 3-4% is necessary for closing costs.

I simply cannot compete with what I have in savings. After talking to four mortgage brokers I now understand the interest in whether or not I can borrow against my 401(k). I simply refuse to borrow for a down payment. It makes no sense to me to lessen the retirement investment that I had to begin from scratch three years ago after two years of unemployment and two years of underemployment saw my previous 401(k) and savings get spent in order to survive.

I have also decided some things about what I want out of a place to live. If a house, I do not want a large yard. However, I want a park-like setting. As in, I do not want the neighbor's house to be so close I can stand twixt the two and touch both. I want someplace with a lot of natural light. Quite a few of the homes I have toured are quite dark inside.

I do not want a house or condo which has water, termite, or wood rot damage. I do not want a house or condo which needs an additional $35K of renovation to make it livable right off the bat.

Painting, new carpet or other cosmetic fixes are perfectly fine. I expect that. It is part of making a new home a personalised sanctuary.

So, plan is to renew the lease for another year. Continue to pay down credit card debt. Put into savings what I can each month as I have been. Lessening the credit card debt; paying it off in the next twenty four months; and becoming debt free will allow me to then begin to save even more money per month for a mortgage.

Past history cycles indicate that there will be a downturn in the economy beginning the end of 2016. Perhaps then I will be in a better position to look again for a place to buy.
elessa: (wyveri)
In order to lose weight I really need to stop eating dessert foods. It defeats the purpose of eating an otherwise "healthy" diet of vegetables and seafood on occasion. Hard to resist the temptation of all the sugary things at the office. Must figure out a way to convince myself that sugar cookies, lemon bars, and cupcakes are not in my best interest. But, damn, they taste so good.

Yeah, so good you have gained five pounds over the last few weeks. ~sigh
elessa: (wyveri)
The other day I was watching a documentary regarding WWII. There were copious uses of photographs and video which were taken at the time. A woman was sifting through her parents photo album to locate specific photos related to events.

With the advent of digital media, the ability to browse through a tangible photo album is gone. We upload pics to various sites with the expectation they will remain there for us to browse. That is a false sense of security. Numerous photo hosting sites have vanished over the years. With them the images they stored. For instance, MobileMe, Webshots, Ovi Share, etc.

I have derived pleasure looking through the photographs kept by my parents which include images of grandparents, great grandparents, and even great great grandparents. Not to mention all the other attendant relatives, photos of places visited or lived

The same is true of documents. Companies strive to be electronic record keepers. What happens as software which created those documents becomes obsolete? Gone are documents which tell the story of human history. There are will be no hard copies of documents of the magnitude of Magna Carta charters, the US Declaration of Independence, tablets/scrolls/manuscripts which preserve stories and letters. Or even the telegram announcing the ceasefire for the European theatre of WWII.

A large portion of knowing where we have been will vanish into the ether.

This morning a friend posted a link to a BBC article,Google's Vint Cerf warns of 'digital Dark Age' wherein he describes this dilemma. Is there a solution?

One hundred or one thousand years from now, will there be traces of today remaining to be discovered by future archaeologists and historians?
elessa: (wyveri)
* Worked a week that was frustrating due to tasks which should have been simple and quick becoming complex. Speculation is that the programming being done by the corporate travel agency in order to streamline obtaining approval from management for purchased trips is causing the interface between the online travel tool and the agency to b0rk. I needed to book travel for twenty people for upcoming meetings and trade shows. Arbitrarily the website would decide someone who I have successfully booked travel for in the past no longer existed. Of course I can see their online profile, but when contacted the travel agent would state they could not. This would lead to a complete inability to book any trips through normal channels. When all was said and done each trip took over an hour per person to get booked. I was tempted many times to bang my head upon my desk as a means of creating physical pain to distract from the mental pain I was feeling at the time.

I am so very grateful that today is a Friday. Two days off to do nothing related to travel.

* Last night went to happy hour with some co-workers to a local brew pub where I indulged in their Scottish ale. It was interesting to me that the bartender seemed disdainful when describing how the brew would taste when I asked for something low in hops. So many people in the craft brew industry are married to the idea that a beer/ale has to be bitter tasting. Nothing can be farther from the truth. I dislike the flavour of hops. I much prefer a malty, caramel, slightly sweet tasting brew. The Scottish ale I had last night was extremely satisfying to my palate. Like an Irish stout it was pitch black in colour; not the reddish amber usually associated with a Scottish ale.

* I have been obsessing with the idea of replacing my ten year old car with a new Mustang. I laid eyes on a 2015 Mustang the other day. It was one of the most eye catching automotive body designs I have seen. I have been looking at various configurations on the Ford website while drooling. Unfortunately it is only a pipe dream. I cannot now, nor do I expect to in the future, have the money to afford car payments of any amount. I haven't had a car payment in the ten years since paying cash from an insurance settlement ten years ago for the 2004 Mustang I currently drive.

* I have the itch to travel. France keeps coming to the fore in my thoughts of where I would like to visit. Much like the time when everywhere I turned I saw or heard references to Santa Fe in 2001 that lead me to spend two weeks in New Mexico, I am having the same thing happen with references to France.

* A visit to the library had me perusing the inside of book jackets for synopses. In one the protagonist had an interesting variation spelling, Elyssa. I rather like the way that looks.

The library graciously allowed me to walk out with seven books. To me that is a lot to try to read in three weeks. Apparently that is a small number. The library allows up to fifty (50!) to be checked out at one time.

* I am happy that the days grow longer. It is nice to come home with a couple hours of sunlight left.

* Life continues apace.
elessa: (wyveri)
Introspective over the last few days. I realise I am an elitist snob. hmmm... I am not sure how to change that.
elessa: (blotto kitty)
Drunk and feeling it. Great bottle of wine was a gift from my boss. It is a 2012 Pinot Noir from Portlandia vintners http://www.portlandiavintners.com/.

Lots of thoughts in my head. Mostly lonely ones. Must suppress those bastards.

July 2017



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